New Years Eve Short Jokes What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year! What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking. What’s the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks! What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out. What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous Where can you find comedians on New Years Eve? Waiting for the punchline. What do you cows celebrate on December 31st? Moo Years Eve. What do farmers give their wives at Midnight on New Years Eve? Hogs and kisses! Knock Knock! Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary christmas and a Abby new year. Auld Lang Syne Lyrics (Short Version) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne Auld Lang Syne Lyrics by Robert Burns (1788) Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot And auld lang syne? Chorus: For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne, We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet For auld lang syne! We twa hae run about the braes, And pu’d the gowans fine, But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit Sin auld lang syne. We twa hae paidl’t in the burn Frae morning sun till dine, But seas between us braid hae roar’d Sin auld lang syne. And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere, And gie’s a hand o’ thine, And we’ll tak a right guid willie-waught For auld lang syne! And surely ye’ll be your pint’ stowp, And surely I’ll be mine, And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet For auld lang syne! Translation Should old acquaintances be forgotten, And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintances be forgotten, And days of long ago ! Chorus: For old long ago, my dear For old long ago, We will take a cup of kindness yet For old long ago. We two have run about the hillsides And pulled the daisies fine, But we have wandered many a weary foot For old long ago. We two have paddled (waded) in the stream From noon until dinner time, But seas between us broad have roared Since old long ago. And there is a hand, my trusty friend, And give us a hand of yours, And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale) For old long ago! And surely you will pay for your pint, And surely I will pay for mine! And we will take a cup of kindness yet For old long ago! New Years Eve On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death. Tattoo Parlor This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. “Why do you want two tattoos there?” So she says “Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.” New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!” Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I “really” need 5 facebook accounts. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own. Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it. Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them I will think of a password other than “password” New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. in standard definition Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.